Suicide....its been on my mind a lot lately. I'm a huge fan of Linkin Park. Absolutely love Chester Benningtons voice. His lyrics have carried me through shit that I hope no one ever has to go through. The talent he had to yell and make it sound good, to singing an Adele song, jamming with Jay Z just showed the talent he really had.
I hate a lot of what I've read lately. "Chester was crying for someone to listen to him" "Chesters album screams help me". No it doesn't. Chester was very outspoken about his past abuse, struggles, and said how much of his music was his story and how singing helped him deal with everything.
Suicide is a dark dark place. In the past, people I have known of have taken this turn. Felt like whatever was wrong couldn't be fixed. Young, future ahead of them, married, children and yet there was this darkness they couldn't get away from. I have, in the past, called the act of suicide selfish. I don't feel that's correct. Yes, it leaves a lot of pain and suffering behind for all those that have loved them. It wasn't until the absolute shock of Chester, a man I don't know personally, took his life that it hit me that it's not fair to label that an act of selfishness. Standing outside the glass house and looking in Chester had it all. Successful career. Talent out the whazoo (yes I wrote whazoo) a beautiful loving wife and 6 children. Band mates and friends that loved him far and wide. He had it all. Or did he? There were demons. Demons that he shared with us. His best friend and father to his God son battled his own demons and a few months ago took his life. Chester sang at his funeral. On their new album, Linkin Park has a song called "One more light". He sang it for Chris Cornell recently and when you sit and listen to the lyrics it's eerie how much it was written for Chris and yet it wasn't. It was written well before the tragedy and now we sing it remembering Chester.
When you have your own demons to battle and you lose one of your closest friends, no matter who is around you, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. With the arrival of Chris' Birthday maybe it was too much for Chester to fathom. He was quoted in saying "I can't imagine a world without you".
If you've ever suffered pain. A heartbreak. It's hard to ever think that it will get better. And even with the best support system around you (I've had one of the best) something inside you shuts off and there seems to be only one option. Maybe if it was 10 months till Chris' birthday, maybe Chester would have had enough time to come to terms with it all and maybe not turn out the light. Maybe that wasn't it at all. I mean, what the hell do I know. What I do know is that I'll miss Chester. I'll miss his talent. His music. His life in his lyrics.
When Michael Jackson, Prince, and other musicians left this earth I mourned the loss of their music. I often wondered why? Why do you miss someone you didn't know. I saw a quote not long ago. It said "We don't mourn musicians because we knew them, we mourn them because they helped us know ourselves." That rang loud and clear to me. Chester helped me know who I was. Through his music. Their newest album shakes me to the core. I'm almost addicted to listening to it. (Ask my wife I'm sure she'd tell you that same thing). Strangely enough, the more I listen to it, the more I'm dealing with the loss of Chester.
I hate suicide. I hate that people feel that's their only option. And I hate that I can't fix it. I want to be the guy who prevents suicide. I want people to know that I care. That I've been through my own hell and I'm still here. I want them to know they're not alone. I want them to know that they matter. To someone. Somewhere. YOU MATTER. YOUR PRESENCE ON THIS EARTH IS FOR A REASON. I know it's hard to reach out. Trust me when I say I know. I've been through hell. My own hell. I know people who's hell has been worse than mine. I know people who's hell has been less than mine. In the end, hell is hell. I've sat in my car at the side of the road bawling my eyes out. Lost. Alone. Dark. Called my absolute best friend in this world and he was at a loss. He didn't know how to help me. Well, actually he did. Although he felt like there was nothing he could do he pointed me in the direction of one man. A man of no judgement. A man of God. A man named Tim. Those who know me know that I wouldn't choose that path first thing. But what did I have to lose. In my mind I had lost it all. So why not. I sat down with Tim and he asked me "How are you doing?" "I've had better days" was my response. He asked me to tell him about it so I did. He listened. Spoke a little and then thanked me for sharing and if I'd care to talk again some day. I agreed and went on with my day. I was somewhat blown away by the fact that this man of God didn't bring up the subject of God, church, nothing!?!? Weird.
Tim and I met a few more times and it led to both of us talking and both of us listening. It felt good to say things out loud but you know, my heart still ached every day. I couldn't shake the pain. I mentioned that to Tim one day and as we were sitting there in his office he looked at me and asked me if I was ready to accept God into my life. Weeeellllll there it is!!! He finally brought it up. I avoided the question but I kept talking and sharing my pain. Tim asked me again. And I looked at him. Somewhat confused. Because I didn't know. What does that mean?? Do I have to change who I am now?? We talked a little more and then one more time Tim asked me "Do you want to accept God into your life" and after all the precious silence and confusion I said "yes" So Tim asked me to pray with him and Tim prayed to God. To help me. Heal me. Ease my pain. And after a short prayer BOOM!!!! All done. Ok there was no BOOM but it was short and sweet and I didn't feel any better. Great! That didn't work! Then he looked at me and said it won't fix today but keep talking and praying to God. He's listening. He said you don't have to change who you are, you are a good man, a good person and no one wants you to change. I told Tim that I wasn't about to start attending church every Sunday now. What he said right after has stuck with me ever since then. Although he said he'd love to have me, I don't need to be in a building to have a relationship with God. He is wherever I am. And trust me, I feel closer to God outside of church than I do inside of church. There's a saying " I'd rather be in the mountains thinking about God than in Church thinking about the mountains". And it's so true.
My story, thanks for reading this long winded post by the way, is not that of accepting God into your life fixes everything. My story is about Tim. I reached out and someone grabbed my hand and helped. He never pushed religion on me. He never pushed me to do anything. He listened. He didn't judge me. He helped me. And he is a man, a man of God, that has gone through his own hell. But he was here for me. He is the reason I'm here today and not a distant memory. I love that man. He changed my life. And, that best friend that told me he couldn't help me. He was wrong. He helped me in finding the man that saved me.
I want to save everyone. I want people to know they matter. I don't need to know you to know that you matter. Someone out there needs you in their life.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you I don't have bad days. I do. But not very often. Sometimes I still let the little things get to me. But my support system is as strong as ever. If you feel like yours isn't them add me to it. Let's start building it up. This world needs you.
Chester, I'll miss you. But your voice will live on through me. I'll never stop playing your music. To Linkin Park, I'm sorry for your loss. I know it hurts. I'm glad your fans have shown you the love.
If you need to talk to someone. Reach out. Click on the link at the bottom of this post. It will lead you to some options. If, at some point in my life I can prevent someone from ending there's it will be in memory of Chester Bennington. I wish you knew what you meant to me. I wish I could have saved you.
Remember when life gets crazy, Grab the hose and take a drink!
http://chester.linkinpark.com/
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