I’m a good man because I’ve never made a mistake or done any wrong to anyone. Anyone believe me? Ya me neither.
Actually quite the opposite, mistakes have been many. Education, Finanical, Personal you name it, I’ve probably screwed it up at some point.
I wasn’t a bad kid growing up..typical, sports, divorced parents, didn’t have much desire to be in school, would way rather be outside somewhere, hell I’m still that way. I moved around a lot, every year of high school, it was tough putting roots down.
My best friend in grade 9 passed away suddenly one night after just getting his drivers license. He died in a car crash. 6 months later on Christmas Day my sister passed away at age 19 in her sleep. My dad has just gotten remarried, we moved again..and at 17 Years old I moved out of my dads house.
I was a pissed off kid, mad at moving, mad at people dying, mad at my dad for years of what I thought was bonding time only to realize later on that taking me to baseball and having me sit in the parking lot of the bar after a game wasn’t a good thing. Or driving home with me after a few beers. Too many close calls let me tell you.
I thought I had all the answers. (Fast forward 28 years I can tell you I didn’t) So at 17 it was the first time I made a choice for me. There were people that didn’t like it, that would become a theme to my decisions the rest of my life but for a shy quiet kid, this was a huge step.
To say I lived on my own since 17 is a bit of a stretch seeing as I lived with my best friend at the time and his parents were around but I was away from my family. I tried to make good decisions but I was young and dumb. Again, trying to do what I thought was right but it turns out I didn’t know as much as I thought. I had met a wonderful girl who to this day is still my friend, School still wasn’t for me, My attitude kept growing and halfway through grade 12 I was kicked out of school. To this day I
wish I would have fought harder to stay but the guidance counselor had it in from me the day I stepped into that school and instead of guiding me with help he guided me out the door. I wasn’t a bad kid, just a bad student. Out I walked and I never looked back.
I bounced around from job to job, even tried moving back to a different province with my mom, it didn’t take me long and I was back in that little town that didn’t work out the first time. Found a job, found a place to live but still the same dumb kid with a chip on his shoulder. (that chip would stay on that shoulder for years!) Didn’t have the drive to work, too many parties in an apartment complex that didn’t need it and it wasn’t long and I was laid off at work and kicked out of my apartment with no place to go. I couldn’t ask any of my friends to crash at their place so after hours of wandering the streets I decided they were a good place to sleep for a night or two. I can honestly say, at one point in my life, I was homeless.
A friend reached out one day and I was able to crash at his place for a couple of nights and then members of the family that I first moved in with a couple years earlier, reached out and offered me a room in their home. It was the tiniest room I’ve ever slept in but it was better than the street and they treated me like one of their own. They helped me get my feet back under me. After a few months of being with them and getting a solid job under me and finding a girlfriend to put up with me we found an apartment and moved in together. I never would have made it without any of them.
It took all of that, finding a good girlfriend, her family and my friends and a slight increase in maturity that finally made me smarten up....I needed to help her pay the bills, be a proper member of society and start properly building that resume. I found a great job, worked along side a man a little older than me that definitely helped me as an employee and a man. As much as I enjoyed that job I was always searching for that one job that I would enjoy and help me properly provide for my girlfriend and I. What a journey that turns out to be!
Living in our small town we did what you were supposed to do, get married and start a family. No really, during our wedding year there was seven wedding socials in a row. Getting married was what you did.
In case you didn’t know, marriage is hard. Yes I know people said that in the past but remember I knew everything. I took for granted that because my parents were divorced and I didn’t want that for me then I would be ok. Such a dumb kid.
Lack of communication. Talking, listening, pride. I mean even when I knew I was wrong I would still argue out of pure fright that I would have to admit I was wrong. I can’t tell you how many fights I had with my wife that were strictly because I couldn’t admit to being wrong. Financial stress, like all marriages played a part and when you don’t talk, man you can take the slightest action or words and twist them all upside down. Kids ourselves trying to be parents, trying to be married and we hit a rough patch. We split up for a while, tried to find ourselves and after some individual counseling we tried again. And we gave it an effort we really did, like another 12 years or so and more children but the past mistakes, the past miscommunication and just the past caught up to us and we couldn’t do it anymore. It was her idea, I would have never left, I wouldn’t do that to the kids. I’m so glad she made that move. No, you read that right, I’m glad she made that move and you’ll find that out when this blog is finished.
What’s harder than marriage? Divorce. Woooo is it hard. The feelings you experience. Sadness, depression, hatred, relief, stress. On top of all that you still have to be a dad, a boss, maybe a business owner. And you still have to see your ex as you have children together and try not to imagine a house falling on them when you see them. Sorry but it’s just feelings you feel. And I’m just being honest.
I wasn’t a bad kid growing up..typical, sports, divorced parents, didn’t have much desire to be in school, would way rather be outside somewhere, hell I’m still that way. I moved around a lot, every year of high school, it was tough putting roots down.
My best friend in grade 9 passed away suddenly one night after just getting his drivers license. He died in a car crash. 6 months later on Christmas Day my sister passed away at age 19 in her sleep. My dad has just gotten remarried, we moved again..and at 17 Years old I moved out of my dads house.
I was a pissed off kid, mad at moving, mad at people dying, mad at my dad for years of what I thought was bonding time only to realize later on that taking me to baseball and having me sit in the parking lot of the bar after a game wasn’t a good thing. Or driving home with me after a few beers. Too many close calls let me tell you.
I thought I had all the answers. (Fast forward 28 years I can tell you I didn’t) So at 17 it was the first time I made a choice for me. There were people that didn’t like it, that would become a theme to my decisions the rest of my life but for a shy quiet kid, this was a huge step.
To say I lived on my own since 17 is a bit of a stretch seeing as I lived with my best friend at the time and his parents were around but I was away from my family. I tried to make good decisions but I was young and dumb. Again, trying to do what I thought was right but it turns out I didn’t know as much as I thought. I had met a wonderful girl who to this day is still my friend, School still wasn’t for me, My attitude kept growing and halfway through grade 12 I was kicked out of school. To this day I
wish I would have fought harder to stay but the guidance counselor had it in from me the day I stepped into that school and instead of guiding me with help he guided me out the door. I wasn’t a bad kid, just a bad student. Out I walked and I never looked back.
I bounced around from job to job, even tried moving back to a different province with my mom, it didn’t take me long and I was back in that little town that didn’t work out the first time. Found a job, found a place to live but still the same dumb kid with a chip on his shoulder. (that chip would stay on that shoulder for years!) Didn’t have the drive to work, too many parties in an apartment complex that didn’t need it and it wasn’t long and I was laid off at work and kicked out of my apartment with no place to go. I couldn’t ask any of my friends to crash at their place so after hours of wandering the streets I decided they were a good place to sleep for a night or two. I can honestly say, at one point in my life, I was homeless.
A friend reached out one day and I was able to crash at his place for a couple of nights and then members of the family that I first moved in with a couple years earlier, reached out and offered me a room in their home. It was the tiniest room I’ve ever slept in but it was better than the street and they treated me like one of their own. They helped me get my feet back under me. After a few months of being with them and getting a solid job under me and finding a girlfriend to put up with me we found an apartment and moved in together. I never would have made it without any of them.
It took all of that, finding a good girlfriend, her family and my friends and a slight increase in maturity that finally made me smarten up....I needed to help her pay the bills, be a proper member of society and start properly building that resume. I found a great job, worked along side a man a little older than me that definitely helped me as an employee and a man. As much as I enjoyed that job I was always searching for that one job that I would enjoy and help me properly provide for my girlfriend and I. What a journey that turns out to be!
Living in our small town we did what you were supposed to do, get married and start a family. No really, during our wedding year there was seven wedding socials in a row. Getting married was what you did.
In case you didn’t know, marriage is hard. Yes I know people said that in the past but remember I knew everything. I took for granted that because my parents were divorced and I didn’t want that for me then I would be ok. Such a dumb kid.
Lack of communication. Talking, listening, pride. I mean even when I knew I was wrong I would still argue out of pure fright that I would have to admit I was wrong. I can’t tell you how many fights I had with my wife that were strictly because I couldn’t admit to being wrong. Financial stress, like all marriages played a part and when you don’t talk, man you can take the slightest action or words and twist them all upside down. Kids ourselves trying to be parents, trying to be married and we hit a rough patch. We split up for a while, tried to find ourselves and after some individual counseling we tried again. And we gave it an effort we really did, like another 12 years or so and more children but the past mistakes, the past miscommunication and just the past caught up to us and we couldn’t do it anymore. It was her idea, I would have never left, I wouldn’t do that to the kids. I’m so glad she made that move. No, you read that right, I’m glad she made that move and you’ll find that out when this blog is finished.
What’s harder than marriage? Divorce. Woooo is it hard. The feelings you experience. Sadness, depression, hatred, relief, stress. On top of all that you still have to be a dad, a boss, maybe a business owner. And you still have to see your ex as you have children together and try not to imagine a house falling on them when you see them. Sorry but it’s just feelings you feel. And I’m just being honest.
I’m a strong guy. I’ve been through a lot and I’ve always been a chatty kathy but I don’t let everything out and months and months of depression and stress gets to a guy. Even the toughest ones. I was tired of the stares. The judgement. The sadness. The pain. My heart ached every day and I couldn’t stop it. My friends couldn’t stop it. I had no one. No where to turn.
After another argument with my ex I ended up in my car, driving down the highway. Didn’t really know where I was going. I was just driving further and further away. I had a business to open but that didn't seem to matter at this point.
My eyes were full of tears, the next thing I knew my world went black. Total darkness. Suddenly the lights turned on and my eyes opened and I found myself on the wrong side of the road staring straight at a semi. I was in a Ford Focus. Not a fair fight and I didn't have a lot of time. I threw the steering wheel to my right and got my ass on the shoulder of the road. I grabbed my phone and called my best friend. I was crying uncontrollably but through it all he heard the fright and the helplessness. He told me to get home and he’d call me later. He didn’t know what had just happened. I don’t know if I ever told him. Well he knows now!
My eyes were full of tears, the next thing I knew my world went black. Total darkness. Suddenly the lights turned on and my eyes opened and I found myself on the wrong side of the road staring straight at a semi. I was in a Ford Focus. Not a fair fight and I didn't have a lot of time. I threw the steering wheel to my right and got my ass on the shoulder of the road. I grabbed my phone and called my best friend. I was crying uncontrollably but through it all he heard the fright and the helplessness. He told me to get home and he’d call me later. He didn’t know what had just happened. I don’t know if I ever told him. Well he knows now!
He called me back later that evening and told me he couldn’t help me. Didn’t know how to help me. But he knew someone. He would arrange a meeting. A meeting that would literally save my life. I met with a pastor of a local church. Who listened first and spoke later. A man who didn’t judge me. A man that listened to every word I said no matter how I said it. I told him my pain. My struggles. My mistakes. He asked me if I have ever accepted God into my life. I said “no” (I’m not a religious man per say. I do believe in God but I do not attend church) He told me that’s ok. God isn’t just in church. He continued to listen to me and talk to me but he never preached to me and I appreciated that so much from him.
After many visits and letting him deep inside my soul he asked me, “are you ready to accept God in to your life” and I looked at him and the words came out. “Yes I am” So right then and there he prayed for me.
When he was done I said “nope, didn’t work, my heart still hurts.” He smiled and said when you walk out these doors there’s no orchestra playing, no rainbows and no miracle but he said over time and a few personal conversations with God it would get better. And he was right. After a while it got better. My heart didn’t hurt anymore. The fight was back and my world was clearer.
He’s an amazing man who I credit a great deal with who I am today. He kept me above ground. He helped me see me for who I am.
My new journey was just getting started.
Buckle up, Grab The Hose and Take a Drink!
No comments:
Post a Comment