I found God and my heart didn’t hurt anymore.
I was struggling with everything, being a full time, single dad. Trying to run a business I now had for just over a year, and struggling with happiness.
I have an amazing friend who became my rock and she still is today. I haven’t seen her in forever but if I ever need her she’s there with a text or a call. I love her dearly and hope she knows it.
She was a big part of the man I am now. She made me, yes made me, learn how to be single again because I never really had been from an early age. I hate being alone. But she kept at it, she was always there for a talk or a movie or anything. So I wasn’t totally alone, and she really taught me how to enjoy my own company and be ok with not having anyone there. So much so I stated that “I’ll never get married again”
To own our own business is status worthy. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. I loved it but it was hard to run a 7 day a week business that took most of my time and took my away from being a dad. It was ok when there was a mom and dad but just a dad was hard. I tried to make it work, I tried to be ok with what I had to do but I couldn’t. I struggled a little longer but eventually made the decision to close my business and lose it all. I exhausted every option I could but in the end this was the right choice for my kids. It was a huge failure that would weigh on me for some time. I looked for a new job to support the family but it was tough. I ended up finding a job pumping gas. Good hours that allowed me to be home when the kids got home from school and still be a dad.
The job required me, at the time, to swallow some pride. To go from business owner to gas pumper in the eyes of people I had grown up around was hard. Today, I’m pretty sure all they saw was a man doing what he needed to do for his family.
One night on a break from parenting a good friend of mine stopped by and said “lets go watch some hockey” I said no, I’m broke. He mentioned to me that he didn’t ask if I could afford it, thought I could use a night out, a beer and some playoff hockey. He was not wrong. What we didn’t know was he would change my life that night....forever
I met a girl that night. I knew her from years back working for a buddy of mine. Hadn’t seen her in a year and I had gone through some stuff as you’ve read. She smacked me upside the arm and said “hi!”
She was working a shift and we quickly touched base and exchanged phone numbers again. Since that day I’ve talked to her everyday.
We had a rough start to our relationship as she is 17 1/2 years younger than I am. Hahahahaha I know what you’re thinking “good for me” well not everyone shared that thought. I was basically labelled a divorced loser who couldn’t run a business, lazy, angry, will never amount to anything. One Hell of a label.
This girl saw past everything she ever heard or even saw. And you know, Sometimes I felt that way about myself. How do you not when you go through as much shit as I had. But to be around someone that didn’t judge and believed in me does amazing things for ones mind. Between her and another buddy who got me working outside of that town I actually started looking forward to the next day.
That guy would get me away from pumping gas and bring me to one of the best jobs I’ve had. It helped that he had been through his own shit in that same town so he knew how I was feeling. He had his own business and needed help. I was in!
To get me away from all the memories was a good thing. Having this girl around was good too if I could shelter her from all the crap being said. I tried my best but she still got caught in some of it. I tried to keep my heart protected and not get to head over heels for her but damn it was tough. She’s amazing.
My goal was to move away. Far away. Start over. But how? I have 4 kids man! 2 with their mom and two with me. I can’t leave my kids can I?? I can’t take them with me, there’s no way my ex would go for that! But something deep down inside told me I had to go.
I started looking for a job in a different province where I spent some time growing up. Still had friends and family there. Nothing was coming my way and this girl I was seeing (didn’t call her my girlfriend for a long time. Always used that phrase) was also thinking of moving but the opposite direction.
One day sitting on the lawnmower I got a call from a place I had applied and they wanted to meet me.
I drove through the night, got about an hour sleep and went for my interview. After a quick tour and a few questions they offered me the job and I quickly accepted. But something didn’t feel right. That girl I was seeing, where is she? I have no one to share this news with. So I called her. Told her I got the job. She was happy for me and congratulated me but it wasn’t enough. I told her right then and there that she needed to come with me. None of this felt right without her. I think I floored her a bit with that because I had never let on that I felt as strongly for her as I did.
Her decision to move with me was not met with open arms from her family but after many “discussions” she made the choice to come along with me.
Here comes the hard part. I need to call my ex and tell her what’s happening. I’m moving 800 km to the west and taking two kids with me. Needless to say my ears ring to this day from the displeasure she vocalized to me. What about the little ones? What’s going to happen to them? I said I would visit as often as I could. Make trips back to see them. Skype. Whatever I had to but I just knew deep inside I HAD to do this. Not all of my family was for it. I understand why but for the longest time I’ve listened to my heart and not my head. I didn’t have a lot of time to get ready. Kids still in school and arrangements had to be made but the day came and my apartment was packed up. Kids went to grandmas and were going to join me in a couple months once I got settled. Goodbyes were said to friends. See you laters were said to the kids and I was off to see my girlfriend before I left in the morning. Took my little ones out for supper they night and said I’ll see you soon. I dropped them off with their mom and she was still less than happy with me.
That night as I lay on the floor of my girlfriends apartment I lost it. It actually hit me that I was moving away from my children!?!? Like, what the hell dude!?! My heart hurt that night and I felt like the biggest loser ever. What kind of deadbeat dad leaves his kids!? If I still had an apartment and my stuff wasn’t packed I don’t know if I would have left the next day. But there was this amazing girl who cried along with me and held me tight and said that she believed in me and if I felt this was right then this was the thing to do.
She’s amazing. Don’t know if I’ve said that yet.
So off I went. Said see you soon and I hit the road. Smartest thing and hardest thing I’ve ever done. We’re almost to the end.
Time to freshen up, Grabe the Hose and take a drink!
