What makes me a good man, Father, Husband Pt 3/3

Well, by now there should be some people reading this that disagree with what I’ve done. That’s ok. People disagreed then and I’m sure do now but let’s get one thing straight. I didn’t do this alone. Meaning, I couldn’t have done all of this alone. There’s great people around me. Let me elaborate.

The move was good. It was hard, diffrent, fresh. I made every effort to get back to the kids and my girlfriend at least once a month. I’m the one who moved away, I had to make the effort. I was missing hockey, school events, weekends with the kids so I tried to get back as much as time would allow. 

That first Christmas I went back, it was one of a kind. My girlfriend was packed up as she was coming back with me, no furniture. Air mattresses on the floor. A paper Christmas tree taped to the wall with some modest presents under the tree. We were all together. We had a blast and it was a great few days. We made plans for a few more visits before the kids would join us. 

One last hockey tournament for my son in March and then it was time to move. My oldest wanted to finish her year of school but it was time for father and son to be together again. The one thing we did do and I’m very grateful is that during school breaks and summer breaks my ex and I would drive half way and drop kids off so we could see them and the kids could be together. This is something we still do today only our trip has gone from 8 hours to 1.5 hours round trip. 

A little while after we moved my daughter decided she was staying. She didn’t want to move. That hit me pretty hard and as you can imagine her mom was very much on her side. That meant she was closer to her so she was fully behind this. This made for a few elevated phone calls. There was still anger that I had done this in the first place. 

The discussions kept up for a couple weeks until it all changed. My ex called and said she and the girls and her bf were moving as well. Only they leapfrogged me and went to the next province. I then said there’s no way our daughter is staying there. It’s either my place or yours and wouldn’t you know it, this time she agreed.

The move was welcoming for me as this meant the trips to get kids was shorter! It didn’t take long and one day my ex mentioned during a conversation that this move was the best thing they ever did. I tried to get her to say that her ex husband was right in doing the same thing a year before but she never did! (Haha)

Our lives kept changing with our move and we continued to meet amazing people in our new home. When you surround yourself with amazing people your life can’t help but change. We kept changing jobs and evolving and building our resumes. Things were great between my ex and myself. Her bf and my gf. We are friends. We get along very well and that’s only benefited our children. They never have to worry about all of us being in the same room at the same time. We’ve become a very large family. So much so that, I realized one day that my life would never be a life without my girlfriend. It was time to ask her to marry me! Something I never thought I’d do again but she’s brought me places I never thought I’d be. I wanted to do it right. I planned a trip with the kids and my gf to go to the mountains. I wanted them to see where my sister lived when she passed away. I didn’t have this planned and my sisters best friend who is very much still in my life told me to just go get the cheesiest ring I could and just do it. I sent my kids off with $20 and said find me a cheesy ring. They ended up at the dollar store and bought a heart shaped mood ring. $2. Perfect. 

Off we went to the town my sister lived in and I was showing them where she worked and we went inside the hotel. I took my girlfriend outside while the kids were in the gift store and in front of the hotel I dropped to one knee and with a $2 ring in hand I proposed through many tears and her asking if I was sure! 

She said yes and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. 

What I didn’t know was the twins grabbed the mood ring paper to see if her mood would be angry or happy once I asked! They are too much like me! It was green which meant happy. Also the same color the ring turned her finger lol. I made her wear that ring until I could replace it with the real one. And she did. 

It was an amazing trip and they all fell in love with the mountains the way I had years earlier. 

My ex let me borrow her vehicle this day as it fit everyone in it and only had to take one car. When we came back they congratulated us on our news. Can you and your ex do that?

We’ve travelled to watch hockey, soccer, gymnastics and even kids graduating. We welcome each other into our homes, share meals and costs of sports, grads and hopefully no weddings for a while. 

We are all very proud of our large family. We have a picture from both the kids grads of all of us. The kids. My wife. My ex and her husband. That is our family. 

My dad mentioned to me last summer that he had to change his opinion and attitude about my ex based on our relationship and how we all get along and conduct ourselves. Said he was proud of me. Haven’t heard that in a long time from him. 

We are almost 10 years divorced. I’ve known her since I was 17. She’s one of my oldest friends and to be honest one of my best. She knows me well, we can be honest and open with each other and we know where it’s coming from. Words are never out of spite. As I mentioned we split costs of school trips, sports, the kids have visited us both and it was all done without courts and lawyers. 

The absolute worst thing you can ever do is not get passed your own head, your heart, your pride and ego and make divorce the worst thing that can happen to your kids. I’ve known kids that don’t want grad to come because Mom and Dad can’t be in the same room together. All I can say is shame on you. My ex wife and I have 4 kids together. The youngest were 5 when we split up. That’s a lifetime of school and events and what not that you have ahead of you and to make that any worse on your children is selfish. People tell us how great it is that we get along like this. For us it’s normal. This is our new normal and honestly for myself and my ex I wouldn’t change a thing. We are both so happy in the places we are now, we’ve moved within an hour of them and that enables us to see them so much more. We will already have our past, the good and the bad but we’ve made our futures so much brighter. 

Pride, sure can bring you down. Don’t be afraid to swallow it, it won’t make you fatter! 

So to answer the question, what makes me a good husband, father and man, well, my ex wife, her husband, my wife, my kids and the amazing friends I have in my life makes me all of this. The maturity they all have, swallowing my pride and accepting the hand that was dealt to me. Oh and my wife, (did I mention her yet?) She touched my sole deeper than anyone has and being so young she taught me so much. She has carried herself so well through this journey and I can’t help but try and put my best foot forward to try and make her proud of me. 

Life’s a journey and it’s bumpy but always keep the future in sight and never forget any part of your past. Knowing what I’ve gone through, the moments I thought would end me, where I thought there was nothing but rock bottom help to push me forward to make sure I don’t go there again. 

Thanks for reading along on this three part blog. Now it’s time to turn this into something I can speak to groups about. 

It’s pretty nice outside so Grab the Hose and take a drink! 

What makes me a good man, Father, Husband Part 2/3

So, let’s continue on from where we last left off,

I found God and my heart didn’t hurt anymore.

I was struggling with everything, being a full time, single dad. Trying to run a business I now had for just over a year, and struggling with happiness.
I have an amazing friend who became my rock and she still is today. I haven’t seen her in forever but if I ever need her she’s there with a text or a call. I love her dearly and hope she knows it.
She was a big part of the man I am now. She made me, yes made me, learn how to be single again because I never really had been from an early age. I hate being alone. But she kept at it, she was always there for a talk or a movie or anything. So I wasn’t totally alone, and she really taught me how to enjoy my own company and be ok with not having anyone there. So much so I stated that “I’ll never get married again”

To own our own business is status worthy. It’s something I’ve  always wanted to do. I loved it but it was hard to run a 7 day a week business that took most of my time and took my away from being a dad. It was ok when there was a mom and dad but just a dad was hard. I tried to make it work, I tried to be ok with what I had to do but I couldn’t.  I struggled a little longer but eventually made the decision to close my business and lose it all. I exhausted every option I could but in the end this was the right choice for my kids. It was a huge failure that would weigh on me for some time. I looked for a new job to support the family but it was tough. I ended up finding a job pumping gas. Good hours that allowed me to be home when the kids got home from school  and still be a dad.
The job required me, at the time, to swallow some pride. To go from business owner to gas pumper in the eyes of people I had grown up around was hard. Today, I’m pretty sure all they saw was a man doing what he needed to do for his family.
One night on a break from parenting a good friend of mine stopped by and said “lets go watch some hockey” I said no, I’m broke. He mentioned to me that he didn’t ask if I could afford it, thought I could use a night out, a beer and some playoff hockey. He was not wrong. What we didn’t know was he would change my life that night....forever

I met a girl that night. I knew her from years back working for a buddy of mine. Hadn’t seen her in a year and I had gone through some stuff as you’ve read. She smacked me upside the arm and said “hi!” 

She was working a shift and we quickly touched base and exchanged phone numbers again. Since that day I’ve talked to her everyday. 

We had a rough start to our relationship as she is 17 1/2 years younger than I am. Hahahahaha I know what you’re thinking “good for me” well not everyone shared that thought. I was basically labelled a divorced loser who couldn’t run a business, lazy, angry, will never amount to anything. One Hell of a label. 

This girl saw past everything she ever heard or even saw. And you know,  Sometimes I felt that way about myself. How do you not when you go through as much shit as I had. But to be around someone that didn’t judge and believed in me does amazing things for ones mind. Between her and another buddy who got me working outside of that town I actually started looking forward to the next day. 

That guy would get me away from pumping gas and bring me to one of the best jobs I’ve had. It helped that he had been through his own shit in that same town so he knew how I was feeling. He had his own business and needed help. I was in! 

To get me away from all the memories was a good thing. Having this girl around was good too if I could shelter her from all the crap being said. I tried my best but she still got caught in some of it. I tried to keep my heart protected and not get to head over heels for her but damn it was tough. She’s amazing. 

My goal was to move away. Far away. Start over. But how? I have 4 kids man! 2 with their mom and two with me. I can’t leave my kids can I?? I can’t take them with me, there’s no way my ex would go for that! But something deep down inside told me I had to go. 

I started looking for a job in a different province where I spent some time growing up. Still had friends and family there. Nothing was coming my way and this girl I was seeing (didn’t call her my girlfriend for a long time. Always used that phrase) was also thinking of moving but the opposite direction. 

One day sitting on the lawnmower I got a call from a place I had applied and they wanted to meet me. 

I drove through the night, got about an hour sleep and went for my interview. After a quick tour and a few questions they offered me the job and I quickly accepted. But something didn’t feel right. That girl I was seeing, where is she? I have no one to share this news with. So I called her. Told her I got the job. She was happy for me and congratulated me but it wasn’t enough. I told her right then and there that she needed to come with me. None of this felt right without her. I think I floored her a bit with that because I had never let on that I felt as strongly for her as I did. 

Her decision to move with me was not met with open arms from her family but after many “discussions” she made the choice to come along with me. 

Here comes the hard part. I need to call my ex and tell her what’s happening. I’m moving 800 km to the west and taking two kids with me. Needless to say my ears ring to this day from the displeasure she vocalized to me. What about the little ones? What’s going to happen to them? I said I would visit as often as I could. Make trips back to see them. Skype. Whatever I had to but I just knew deep inside I HAD to do this. Not all of my family was for it. I understand why but for the longest time I’ve listened to my heart and not my head. I didn’t have a lot of time to get ready. Kids still in school and arrangements had to be made but the day came and my apartment was packed up. Kids went to grandmas and were  going to join me in a couple months once I got settled. Goodbyes were said to friends. See you laters were said to the kids and I was off to see my girlfriend before I left in the morning. Took my little ones out for supper they night and said I’ll see you soon. I dropped them off with their mom and she was still less than happy with me. 

That night as I lay on the floor of my girlfriends apartment I lost it. It actually hit me that I was moving away from my children!?!? Like, what the hell dude!?!  My heart hurt that night and I felt like the biggest loser ever. What kind of deadbeat dad leaves his kids!? If I still had an apartment and my stuff wasn’t packed I don’t know if I would have left the next day. But there was this amazing girl who cried along with me and held me tight and said that she believed in me and if I felt this was right then this was the thing to do. 

She’s amazing. Don’t know if I’ve said that yet. 

So off I went. Said see you soon and I hit the road. Smartest thing and hardest thing I’ve ever done.  We’re almost to the end. 

Time to freshen up, Grabe the Hose and take a drink! 

What makes me a good man, father, husband. Part 1/3

Well that’s a loaded question isn’t it? In who’s opinion am I or am I not a good man? I guess because I’m writing this it’s my opinion.

I’m a good man because I’ve never made a mistake or done any wrong to anyone. Anyone believe me? Ya me neither.

Actually quite the opposite, mistakes have been many. Education, Finanical, Personal you name it, I’ve probably screwed it up at some point.
I wasn’t a bad kid growing up..typical, sports, divorced parents, didn’t have much desire to be in school, would way rather be outside somewhere, hell I’m still that way. I moved around a lot, every year of high school, it was tough putting roots down.
My best friend in grade 9 passed away suddenly one night after just getting his drivers license. He died in a car crash. 6 months later on Christmas Day my sister passed away at age 19 in her sleep. My dad has just gotten remarried, we moved again..and at 17 Years old I moved out of my dads house.

I was a pissed off kid, mad at moving, mad at people dying, mad at my dad for years of what I thought was bonding time only to realize later on that taking me to baseball and having me sit in the parking lot of the bar after a game wasn’t a good thing. Or driving home with me after a few beers. Too many close calls let me tell you.
I thought I had all the answers.  (Fast forward 28 years I can tell you I didn’t) So at 17 it was the first time I made a choice for me. There were people that didn’t like it, that would become a theme to my decisions the rest of my life but for a shy quiet kid, this was a huge step.

To say I lived on my own since 17 is a bit of a stretch seeing as I lived with my best friend at the time and his parents were around but I was away from my family. I tried to make good decisions but I was young and dumb. Again, trying to do what I thought was right but it turns out I didn’t know as much as I thought. I had met a wonderful girl who to this day is still my friend, School still wasn’t for me, My attitude kept growing and halfway through grade 12 I was kicked out of school. To this day I
wish I would have fought harder to stay but the guidance counselor had it in from me the day I stepped into that school and instead of guiding me with help he guided me out the door. I wasn’t a bad kid, just a bad student. Out I walked and I never looked back.

I bounced around from job to job, even tried moving back to a different province with my mom, it didn’t take me long and I was back in that little town that didn’t work out the first time. Found a job, found a place to live but still the same dumb kid with a chip on his shoulder. (that chip would stay on that shoulder for years!) Didn’t have the drive to work, too many parties in an apartment complex that didn’t need it and it wasn’t long and I was laid off at work and kicked out of my apartment with no place to go. I couldn’t ask any of my friends to crash at their place so after hours of wandering the streets I decided they were a good place to sleep for a night or two. I can honestly say, at one point in my life, I was homeless.
A friend reached out one day and I was able to crash at his place for a couple of nights and then members of the family that I first moved in with a couple years earlier, reached out and offered me a room in their home. It was the tiniest room I’ve ever slept in but it was better than the street and they treated me like one of their own. They helped me get my feet back under me. After a few months of being with them and getting a solid job under me and finding a girlfriend to put up with me we found an apartment and moved in together. I never would have made it without any of them.

It took all of that, finding a good girlfriend, her family and my friends and a slight increase in maturity that finally made me smarten up....I needed to help her pay the bills, be a proper member of society and start properly building that resume. I found a great job, worked along side a man a little older than me that definitely helped me as an employee and a man. As much as I enjoyed that job I was always searching for that one job that I would enjoy and help me properly provide for my girlfriend and I. What a journey that turns out to be!

Living in our small town we did what you were supposed to do, get married and start a family. No really, during our wedding year there was seven wedding socials in a row. Getting married was what you did.
In case you didn’t know, marriage is hard. Yes I know people said that in the past but remember I knew everything. I took for granted that because my parents were divorced and I didn’t want that for me then I would be ok. Such a dumb kid.
 Lack of communication. Talking, listening, pride. I mean even when I knew I was wrong I would still argue out of pure fright that I would have to admit I was wrong. I can’t tell you how many fights I had with my wife that were strictly because I couldn’t admit to being wrong. Financial stress, like all marriages played a part and when you don’t talk, man you can take the slightest action or words and twist them all upside down. Kids ourselves trying to be parents, trying to be married and we hit a rough patch. We split up for a while, tried to find ourselves and after some individual counseling we tried again. And we gave it an effort we really did, like another 12 years or so and more children but the past mistakes, the past miscommunication and just the past caught up to us and we couldn’t do it anymore. It was her idea, I would have never left, I wouldn’t do that to the kids. I’m so glad she made that move. No, you read that right, I’m glad she made that move and you’ll find that out when this blog is finished.

What’s harder than marriage? Divorce. Woooo is it hard. The feelings you experience. Sadness, depression, hatred, relief, stress. On top of all that you still have to be a dad, a boss, maybe a business owner. And you still have to see your ex as you have children together and try not to imagine a house falling on them when you see them. Sorry but it’s just feelings you feel. And I’m just being honest. 

I’m a strong guy. I’ve been through a lot and I’ve always been a chatty kathy but I don’t let everything out and months and months of depression and stress gets to a guy. Even the toughest ones. I was tired of the stares. The judgement. The sadness. The pain. My heart ached every day and I couldn’t stop it. My friends couldn’t stop it. I had no one. No where to turn. 

After another argument with my ex I ended up in my car, driving down the highway. Didn’t really know where I was going. I was just driving further and further away. I had a business to open but that didn't seem to matter at this point.
My eyes were full of tears, the next thing I knew my world went black. Total darkness. Suddenly the lights turned on and my eyes opened and I found myself on the wrong side of the road staring straight at a semi. I was in a Ford Focus. Not a fair fight and I didn't have a lot of time. I threw the steering wheel to my right and got my ass on the shoulder of the road. I grabbed my phone and called my best friend. I was crying uncontrollably but through it all he heard the fright and the helplessness. He told me to get home and he’d call me later. He didn’t know what had just happened. I don’t know if I ever told him. Well he knows now! 

He called me back later that evening and told me he couldn’t help me. Didn’t know how to help me. But he knew someone. He would arrange a meeting. A meeting that would literally save my life. I met with a pastor of a local church. Who listened first and spoke later. A man who didn’t judge me. A man that listened to every word I said no matter how I said it. I told him my pain. My struggles. My mistakes. He asked me if I have ever accepted God into my life. I said “no” (I’m not a religious man per say. I do believe in God but I do not attend church) He told me that’s ok. God isn’t just in church. He continued to listen to me and talk to me but he never preached to me and I appreciated that so much from him. 

After many visits and letting him deep inside my soul he asked me, “are you ready to accept God in to your life”  and I looked at him and the words came out. “Yes I am” So right then and there he prayed for me. 

When he was done I said “nope, didn’t work, my heart still hurts.” He smiled and said when you walk out these doors there’s no orchestra playing, no rainbows and no miracle but he said over time and a few personal conversations with God it would get better. And he was right. After a while it got better. My heart didn’t hurt anymore. The fight was back and my world was clearer. 

He’s an amazing man who I credit a great deal with who I am today. He kept me above ground. He helped me see me for who I am. 

My new journey was just getting started. 

Buckle up, Grab The Hose and Take a Drink!

Divorce

Divorce. Say it out loud. Divorce. It's just not a good sounding word is it. You're brought up to think it's the worst of the worst. But is it? Nowadays it's more common than we'd all like but is it evil? I've actually been on both ends of divorce. My parents got divorced when I was young. It sucked. Except for the part where I was spoiled on weekend visits to my moms. (Insert evil laugh here). My parents were always civil to each other so I always thought that's the way it was. Felt like I grew up pretty normal. Many years later I was asked by a friend of my aunts if I would come to the University to speak to his class about divorce! Ummmm huh? Who? Me? I don't really speak in front of large rooms of people. (Insert nervous scared laugh here). He told me it was a smaller class and it was more of a Q&A session. He also promised me pizza after and because I had just turned 18 he offered to buy me a beer. Well clearly my answer was yes! 

One of my first statements to the class was " I'm not sure what you're looking for in regards to information but I had a good divorce experience. My parents got along" well it turns out that this is what they wanted to hear because in the past all they ever heard was the bad outcomes. I can't remember how long we spoke but I do remember them thanking me for being open and upfront about my experiences. 

Like most kids I vowed that I would never get divorced and make my kids deal with what I had to. (Insert slap upside the head here). 

A few years later my girlfriend and I got married. It was a good 6 months and then we hit a bump. Well, a large bump. We battled through it and ended up being married for 13 1/2 years and 4 amazing kids. But the day came when we neeeed to stop fooling ourselves and separate. This was not a good day. I took it hard. My oldest two kids took it hard. I've always wanted to be there for my kids and now I felt I wouldn't be able too. I told my wife we could work it out. Nope. She was done. She told me I was too. I was in love with the idea of being in love but at the end of the day I wasn't in love with her. 

Well, remember that slap upside the head I was supposed to give myself a few years back? Here it comes!! SLAP!!! Just because I didn't want to get divorced doesn't mean that's enough to make it work! 

Dumbass. 

Divorce sucks. For a minute. Once the dust settles and it's actually the right thing it's not so bad. Don't get me wrong, it lasts a bit longer than a minute. You get sad. Mad. Angry. Say dumb things. It's all part of the healing process. Yeah! That's it, healing process! 

My journey to where I am now was followed by all those emotions and more. I actually never used a lawyer for my divorce and we basically walked away with the understanding that we have four children whom we both loved and adored and we would support them in whatever manner we needed to for the rest of their lives. No alimony. No child support mandated by courts. Just our promise to our kids. 

Sounds simple doesn't it? Guess what? IT IS!! It's really that simple. We are not petty, jealous or bitter. We are actually better friends than we ever were husband and wife. Since the divorce to now, at times there has been upwards of 800kms of distance between us. To complicate that we each had two kids full time. We always made the effort to see the kids and to make sure our kids spent as much time together as they could. We would drive half the distance each when kids came visiting either her or I. 

Recently we've moved closer together again and I believe it's been about 9 years now and our family is amazing. I am remarried to an amazing woman who inspires me to be a better me everyday. She gets along with my ex and vice versa. My ex has an amazing man in her life who has been an amazing step dad to all of my kids and he and I get along great. We go to our kids events as a family. We eat together. We celebrate together and well, really we "life" together. 

I've had kids work for me in the past that dreaded events like graduation, university, weddings, because their parents couldn't stand to be in the same room together. To say that pisses me off is an understatement. If the two of you can't put your petty differences aside for your children then who exactly is the child??? I don't care what happened to cause your divorce. Absolutely nothing is greater than your children. Nothing. 

I was reminded of all of this this past weekend when my ex and I spoke about our twins upcoming 14th birthday. (I feel old when I write that). She mentioned that they were with friends all day but we were more than welcome to drive in to the city to meet them all for supper. Well that was an easy yes!! My ex's hubby's brother and sister in law were joining as well. Sweet! The more the merrier. I sat at the end of the table and looked at all the smiles. The laughter. And I looked at my "family". All of them. I'm proud of us. I'm proud of me. My wife. My ex wife. Her husband. I'm proud of how we handle ourselves. How we raise our kids and how happy all four of our kids are. 

My oldest sent me a song the other day and said "dad, you'll love this song" it's called "when you love someone" it's a song about divorce. But it's one we should all sing to our kids in the event of a divorce. Here's part of the song:

It don't make sense, but nevertheless
You gotta believe us, it's all for the best
It don't make sense
The way things go
Son you should know

Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love
Sometimes two homes are better than one
Some things you can't tell your sister 'cause she's still too young
Yeah you'll understand
When you love someone

It's true. Sometimes two homes are better than one. Sometimes two moms and two dads are better than one (especially when daughters start dating) 

We have great children who make our job easy and I think our relationships have helped them be the people they are. I'm proud of us. I'm grateful and blessed for the family that I have. 

I hope we inspire others to look past the hurt and continue to love and support your children unconditionally. Those kids, whether you're divorced or not are your legacy. That's how I want to be remembered anyways. 

You don't need to love one another but you do need to love those kids. And part of that is showing respect to your ex. Teach your kids how to carry themselves no matter what gets thrown at them! 

When the day is over and the kids are tucked away in bed, sit back, relax, Grab the Hose and Take a Drink! 

This picture, although isn't us, is a perfect example of who we are! 

Afraid to fail

I've always been afraid to fail. 

For years I would avoid doing things so that I wouldn't fail them. Let me tell you how that worked out for me. 

It didn't. I would avoid homework, not because I didn't want to do it but because I didn't want to be wrong. Don't get me wrong, the classroom is not a place for me. I don't sit still well, I don't concentrate well. Have you ever looked out your window? The world is a beautiful place and that's where I'd rather be. Always have. Always will. More on me later. 

What brought me to write this one was my daughter. Well, one of them anyways. She almost forgot to wish her step mom and happy birthday this week and it's because she said she had too much on her mind. Ummm you're 14, how much can you actually have in your mind. 

So I asked and her response was "just thinking about school and worried about how well I'll do"

My answer was quick and simple "you'll do your best and that's all you can do" 

I elaborated a bit more and she said "thanks dad that really helps"

It got me to thinking about when I was that age and how I always compared myself to everyone. Didn't matter if they were smarter, better dressed, better looking, jobs, money, everything. 

It took me a long time to realize that I can't be everyone. Everyone can't be me. I'm a diamond in the rough! No really my mom told me I am!

Thanks to a celebrity that I admire, a lot, (Dwayne "the rock" Johnson) I've accepted that I'm not the best at everything. But I will outwork you. He always says, be the hardest worker in the room. He doesn't expect anyone to have the same workout regimen or even work ethic. You don't have to mirror what he does but whatever you do, do it at your best. Outwork your competition. Whatever your results , they're yours and you can leave knowing you left it all out there. In the classroom, sports, work, marriage whatever! 

I'm not the best dad, or husband or friend. I'm sure there's better ones out there. Maybe. What defines better? I don't live with all my kids and try to make it to everything I can. I can't bankroll their lives although they do try! As a husband I've learnt to be more conscious of my wife's needs and wants. Only took me twice to learn that. As a friend I'm here for ya. I do what I can with what I have and I'm surrounded by some pretty awesome people. 

List three successes you've had. I did this with a friend today and she came up with two. I came up with easily three more. It's all in how you look at it. Ever set a personal best in the gym? Success. How many championship games have you lost? Win any? Success. If you fall 7 times get up 8! You've heard it before but it's true. If you fall and don't get up you fail. If you fall and get up then you've succeeded. You didn't let failing stop you. Failing sucks. It's crushing. Probably why they don't call it winning. But if you use that crushing feeling as fuel or motivation and keep going back for more until you win then that's success. 

I know a lot of people that didn't graduate high school. Didn't go to college. They're some of the most successful people I know because they've had to work for everything they have. They hustle. They grind. They outwork their competition. Don't get me wrong. You should finish school. Even college it make sure you don't go for the sake of going and then get stuck with a degree you'll never use! 

I'm sitting in one of my favourite places right now. The Rocky Mountains of Canada. I love it here. I made it here. 

I've wanted to be here my entire life but life kept throwing curveballs and fastballs at me. Even spitballs. (Didn't hit any of those) I hit some of them. I struck out more often then not. But I'm here. I didn't quit. I set a goal and I achieved that goal. I have a great job thanks to past experiences. I believed I was the best person for that job and I got it. My wife believed in me and supported our move here. I worked my ass off to get here. I don't know how long it will last but I'll enjoy every second I'm here.

It's funny when I say I think I'm the best at what I do. I lost a business I owned and went bankrupt. I still think I'm the best at what I do. Partially from failing. Partially from succeeding. It took both to make me who I am. 

One of my favourite quotes from The GOAT:

 "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." 

-- Michael Jordan

Man I love this quote. He's the greatest of all time and he's failed so many times!! 

Now I know my daughter is reading this and I have a simple message for you baby girl. Do the work. Simple right? 

I don't expect you to be on the honour roll. You don't have to have the best marks or be the best gymnast. All I ask is that you do your best. You put in every effort you can and never, ever be afraid to ask for help when you need it. If you do that I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with all your successes. You be the best version of you, the artist, the singer, the friend, the daughter and that's what we'll measure your success on. Not marks. Not a bank account. Not by how many possessions you have! 

That's a simple message for anyone reading this. Go out there and be the best version of you. In the end that's all we can be! 

Time to head home to the backyard, Grab the Hose and Take a Drink! 

Who am I?

Well. It’s been a while. I’m busy trying to fine tune my writing and how I get my point across. I’m trying to not only be interesting but also answer questions you may have as you read. But I feel like I need to write a little something just to keep my mojo going so to speak. 

My whole life I've questioned who I want to be. I’ve questioned who I am as a man, a husband, a father and my profession. 

I’ve certainly failed in those areas. Every one of them. I’ve made many mistakes as a man, luckily enough there’s been forgiveness. As a husband, well I’m married for the second time. I’m doing much better this time around. As a father, well it’s been a ride and I’m far from perfect but I have 4 wonderful children who I’m extremely proud of. As a profession, that’s been the longest road. I’ve tried more things than I care to list because it would be longer than Santa’s naughty or nice list. The one thing I seem to keep going back to is managing stores. Mostly clothing, ran my own restaurant for a while and now I’ve landed managing candy stores. Not gonna lie, it’s a lot of fun. I think I take the most pride in my staff. Developing them, supporting them, watching and helping them grow. 

At the end of the day I still feel like there’s something missing. My lifelong dream has always been to be a firefighter. I hear sirens down the street and the hair on my neck stands up every time. It’s not a hero thing either. I’d rather not have to do anything EMS wise, I just want to fly down the street in the fire truck and throw a ton of water on the fire and put it out. Save a building or someone’s home. 

My grandpa was a volunteer firefighter. So was my dad. Clearly it was in my blood. 

Now I guess you’re asking why did I never take the plunge. Well I had the application form filled out once. For a volunteer firefighter. Part of it was my first wife didn’t really want me to do it. Full time that is. Being a dad with a young family she was worried about my safety and I understand that and don’t hold that against her. Part of it was confidence. I never used to have much of that. 

Do I regret never sending in that application. No. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still wish I did once upon a time. 

I’m 45. In my eyes that’s too late to start the firefighter dream. But I’ll never stop dreaming. 

The one thing I’ve been “gifted” with is my ability to talk. Sometimes my way out of trouble but mostly just talking to people. It’s a huge part of my job to my customers and my staff. My bosses don’t always understand but my proof is my relationship with my customers and staff and that’s all the validation I need. 

With all of my experiences in my past and present I think that’s what’s turned me on to inspirational speaking. Hopefully it takes me somewhere. Hopefully I can make a difference in someone’s life and inspire them to grab their dream before they’re 45! 

For now I’m gonna grab the hose and take a drink! 

In this photo kneeling is my dad and second from the right is my grandpa serving on the Altona fire dept together. 

We all have our "moment"

I'm not a celebrity with a famous quote. I am however a man with a story. Part of my story I can share. The other will have to wait for a time when I'm speaking publicly. Talking to people and listening to music. Two things I love. Two things I couldn't do back in middle school. I failed classes because I couldn't talk in front of the class of my friends about what a song meant. Weird. There was a moment in my life when I realized that it didn't really matter what others thought and started to open up a little and lose the "stage fright"

 For now I want to tell you about my friend. Her name is "Mary". One day I hope she joins me in one of my speaking engagements and shares her amazing story with you. She's beautiful and one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Our meeting was one of coincidence however I feel like the right people will always find their way to you.

We had a talk one day as I was telling her about my breakthrough moment and  she told me that I could share her story or her "moment" if you will. 

Mary was a young woman with her entire life ahead of her. At 19 years of age she attended a party and while she was there the weather took a turn for the worse. A person she knew had mentioned that she could stay in his bed so she didn't have to travel in poor weather. Later that night she heard someone enter the room. It was the person that said she could stay over. He approached her and said these words "if you tell anyone I'll kill you" He then violently raped her. 

Hard words for me to hear. I'm a dad to daughters. I'm a husband and my entire life have treated women like they deserve to be treated. I have zero tolerance for people who would do such a thing. 

For years Mary kept that night to herself. Slowly it ate away at her being. We all have a tipping point. A rock bottom. Mary hit hers 6 years later. Things she found fun and enjoyed to the fullest suddenly disappeared. It gets very dark at times and thoughts echo around in your head and you have to make the choice to listen to those thoughts or reach out. Mary thankfully reached out and started to get counselling, moved away and started to learn to be grateful for her life. 

Three years from that point Mary finally told her family. Her friends. People that had been through the same situation as she had. 

This was a girl that could never get up in a room full of people she knew and talk. But after everything she had been through how bad could it be. And now by standing up, talking about her story she was able to show others that they aren't alone. To hear one person say, you and I, we have some things in common. I understand. You matter and I'm here for you. 

Ten years later and you should see her. She has a job where she helps people everyday. She surrounds herself with beautiful people and I'm Damn proud to call her my friend. 

My breakthrough moment isn't as extreme as Mary's but like I've said, we all have our story. We all have our hell. To hear others peoples stories and how they overcame it is inspiring. There's so many different paths we can take in life. So many excuses we can make. Or we can stand up, look hell in the face and say "NOT TODAY"

People like Mary inspire me to share my story. To show you that you aren't alone. You matter. Let's talk. I am who I am. I'm where I'm at in my life because of the people I surround myself with. I'm not a motivational speaker. I want to inspire you to share your story. I want to know your breakthrough moment and if you haven't found it yet then let's find it. Its in there. Greatness is in everyone. Some people win medals. Some win awards. Some wake up in the morning and face the day head on. Greatness isn't measured by one thing. Who we are and how we handle our hell is what defines us. How we treat other people defines us. Money, cars, jobs don't define us. I have my family. I have my people. I grow everyday thanks to all of them. 

Take a step back and look at your hell. Find a way out. Ask for help. Remember that you're not the only person to ever go through this. There's more people out there then you know that can relate. 

My boy Rocky Balboa said it best 

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!

Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

This quote means the world to me and my wife because we've lived it. Life has hit me many many times. Sometimes I get right back up. Other times my people need to help me up. But I'm up. I never stayed down. For years I've been labelled as "cocky". Blows me away how a guy who's been knocked down so many times can be labelled as cocky. I've never won much in my life. Don't have a fancy job. For years I couldn't make sense of it. Then one day in talking with my wife I looked at her and said "I'm not cocky I'm confident and my confidence comes from surviving". That's my quote. I survived my hell and that has brought a level of confidence to me. It's taken years of work, a good support system and some tears along the way. 

Thanks for reading, I look forward to meeting you in the future and hearing your moment. 

In the mean time, let's go back to a simpler time, head to the back yard and 

Grab the hose and take a drink!

Suicide is painless...

Suicide is painless...is actually the theme song from my all time favourite show. M*A*S*H*.
Suicide....its been on my mind a lot lately. I'm a huge fan of Linkin Park. Absolutely love Chester Benningtons voice. His lyrics have carried me through shit that I hope no one ever has to go through.  The talent he had to yell and make it sound good, to singing an Adele song, jamming with Jay Z just showed the talent he really had.
I hate a lot of what I've  read lately. "Chester was crying for someone to listen to him" "Chesters album screams help me". No it doesn't. Chester was very outspoken about his past abuse, struggles, and said how much of his music was his story and how singing helped him deal with everything.

Suicide is a dark dark place. In the past, people I have known of have taken this turn. Felt like whatever was wrong couldn't be fixed. Young, future ahead of them, married, children and yet there was this darkness they couldn't get away from. I have, in the past, called the act of suicide selfish. I don't feel that's correct. Yes, it leaves a lot of pain and suffering behind for all those that have loved them. It wasn't until the absolute shock of Chester, a man I don't know personally, took his life that it hit me that it's not fair to label that an act of selfishness. Standing outside the glass house and looking in Chester had it all. Successful career. Talent out the whazoo (yes I wrote whazoo) a beautiful loving wife and 6 children. Band mates and friends that loved him far and wide. He had it all. Or did he? There were demons. Demons that he shared with us. His best friend and father to his God son battled his own demons and a few months ago took his life. Chester sang at his funeral. On their new album, Linkin Park has a song called "One more light". He sang it for Chris Cornell recently and when you sit and listen to the lyrics it's eerie how much it was written for Chris and yet it wasn't. It was written well before the tragedy and now we sing it remembering Chester.
When you have your own demons to battle and you lose one of your closest friends, no matter who is around you, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. With the arrival of Chris' Birthday maybe it was too much for Chester to fathom. He was quoted in saying "I can't imagine a world without you".

If you've ever suffered pain. A heartbreak. It's hard to ever think that it will get better. And even with the best support system around you (I've had one of the best) something inside you shuts off and there seems to be only one option. Maybe if it was 10 months till Chris' birthday, maybe Chester would have had enough time to come to terms with it all and maybe not turn out the light. Maybe that wasn't it at all. I mean, what the hell do I know. What I do know is that I'll miss Chester. I'll miss his talent. His music. His life in his lyrics.
When Michael Jackson, Prince, and other musicians left this earth I mourned the loss of their music. I often wondered why? Why do you miss someone you didn't know. I saw a quote not long ago. It said "We don't mourn musicians because we knew them, we mourn them because they helped us know ourselves." That rang loud and clear to me. Chester helped me know who I was. Through his music. Their newest album shakes me to the core. I'm almost addicted to listening to it. (Ask my wife I'm sure she'd tell you that same thing). Strangely enough, the more I listen to it, the more I'm dealing with the loss of Chester.

I hate suicide. I hate that people feel that's their only option. And I hate that I can't fix it. I want to be the guy who prevents suicide. I want people to know that I care. That I've been through my own hell and I'm still here. I want them to know they're not alone. I want them to know that they matter. To someone. Somewhere. YOU MATTER. YOUR PRESENCE ON THIS EARTH IS FOR A REASON. I know it's hard to reach out. Trust me when I say I know. I've been through hell. My own hell. I know people who's hell has been worse than mine. I know people who's hell has been less than mine. In the end, hell is hell. I've sat in my car at the side of the road bawling my eyes out. Lost. Alone. Dark. Called my absolute best friend in this world and he was at a loss. He didn't know how to help me. Well, actually he did. Although he felt like there was nothing he could do he pointed me in the direction of one man. A man of no judgement. A man of God. A man named Tim.  Those who know me know that I wouldn't choose that path first thing. But what did I have to lose. In my mind I had lost it all. So why not. I sat down with Tim and he asked me "How are you doing?"  "I've had better days" was my response. He asked me to tell him about it so I did. He listened. Spoke a little and then thanked me for sharing and if I'd care to talk again some day. I agreed and went on with my day. I was somewhat blown away by the fact that this man of God didn't bring up the subject of God, church, nothing!?!? Weird.
Tim and I met a few more times and it led to both of us talking and both of us listening. It felt good to say things out loud but you know, my heart still ached every day. I couldn't shake the pain. I mentioned that to Tim one day and as we were sitting there in his office he looked at me and asked me if I was ready to accept God into my life. Weeeellllll there it is!!! He finally brought it up. I avoided the question but I kept talking and sharing my pain. Tim asked me again. And I looked at him. Somewhat confused. Because I didn't know. What does that mean?? Do I have to change who I am now?? We talked a little more and then one more time Tim asked me "Do you want to accept God into your life"  and after all the precious silence and confusion I said "yes" So Tim asked me to pray with him and Tim prayed to God. To help me. Heal me. Ease my pain. And after a short prayer BOOM!!!! All done. Ok there was no BOOM but it was short and sweet and I didn't feel any better. Great! That didn't work! Then he looked at me and said it won't fix today but keep talking and praying to God. He's listening. He said you don't have to change who you are, you are a good man, a good person and no one wants you to change. I told Tim that I wasn't about to start attending church every Sunday now. What he said right after has stuck with me ever since then. Although he said he'd love to have me, I don't need to be in a building to have a relationship with God. He is wherever I am. And trust me, I feel closer to God outside of church than I do inside of church. There's a saying " I'd rather be in the mountains thinking about God than in Church thinking about the mountains". And it's so true.

My story, thanks for reading this long winded post by the way, is not that of accepting God into your life fixes everything. My story is about Tim. I reached out and someone grabbed my hand and helped. He never pushed religion on me. He never pushed me to do anything. He listened. He didn't judge me. He helped me. And he is a man, a man of God, that has gone through his own hell. But he was here for me. He is the reason I'm here today and not a distant memory. I love that man. He changed my life. And, that best  friend that told me he couldn't help me. He was wrong. He helped me in finding the man that saved me.

I want to save everyone. I want people to know they matter. I don't need to know you to know that you matter. Someone out there needs you in their life.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you I don't have bad days. I do. But not very often. Sometimes I still let the little things get to me. But my support system is as strong as ever. If you feel like yours isn't them add me to it. Let's start building it up. This world needs you.

Chester, I'll miss you. But your voice will live on through me. I'll never stop playing your music. To Linkin Park, I'm sorry for your loss. I know it hurts. I'm glad your fans have shown you the love.

If you need to talk to someone. Reach out. Click on the link at the bottom of this post. It will lead you to some options. If, at some point in my life I can prevent someone from ending there's it will be in memory of Chester Bennington. I wish you knew what you meant to me. I wish I could have saved you.


Remember when life gets crazy, Grab the hose and take a drink!





http://chester.linkinpark.com/

Failure

Failure.....such a scary word isn't it? Is it?
Our entire lives we are taught to not fail. Failing is bad. I think being afraid to fail put more pressure on me that I was almost sure to fail.
Man have I failed. Well, "failed" to me, now, many years later, I don't see it as failures. I see it as lessons. I know I know, right about now you're rolling your eyes saying " ya ya I've heard that 100 times" I'm sure you have but seriously, I've made many errors in my 44 years. But what I've learnt from those errors has helped make me the man I am today. I left home at 17. School and I were not best friends. Marriage, well, didn't get that right the first time. Bought a business, that blew up in my face. Judged people. I have no right to judge anyone.
Between all of that and some poor personal choices it's been a long 44 years but my kids are amazing, I have a great job that I've worked my butt off to be qualified for. I live in my dream location and I'm married to the love of my life.

All the jobs I've had, struggled with rules and their way of doing things led me to build my style of management and has paid off in spades. I kept the dream alive of where I wanted to live and I can proudly say with the support of my wife and my family that I made it and I live in the mountains. Finally. As bad as my first marriage turned out, it's made me a better person and a better husband now the second time and against all odds my wife and I make the best team ever.

I could jump deeper into all the failures in my life but I don't want you to have to spend 2 days reading one blog. When I look back at it all, the choices I made, the dumb shit that came out of my mouth and the odds I overcame I can honestly say there isn't much I'd change. I am who I am because of my past. The good. The bad. The ugly.
Just because one road you take is bumpy or a dead end. Or a U turn. That doesn't mean you stop. Look on a map, look at all the roads and all the different ways to make it to hour destination. Your life is a map. Find your road and never ever stop until you reach your destination. Surround yourself with good people. Lean on them when you need to. You can't do it alone. Your support system is important. I wouldn't have made it without mine. Too big a list to mention but they know exactly who they are.

Keep your eyes on the road, don't let failure stop you and when life gets crazy, remember,
 Grab the hose and take a drink!

Turk

What are we afraid of?

Grab the hose and take a drink

Remember doing that as a kid? That was our hydration. Bottled water!? What!? Nope. We were outside, playing and we got thirsty. Mom would get mad if we kept running in and out of the house so we would grab the garden hose and drink until brain freeze. I can't remember when the last time was I saw a kid actually do this. I've never heard of anyone dying from too much garden hose water. But it's 2017 and if it doesn't cost money and come in a plastic bottle then we shouldn't do it! We can't do much of anything any more without it causing some harm to someone. It's a world where we need to tip toe around what we say, do and eat or drink. Why!? What happened? What changed that we can no longer do this? I'm not saying we need to be rude or not watch what we eat but not everything is bad for you.

Too many participation ribbons and too many play for fun attitudes today. My kids have been raised to win, lose and try their hardest. I tought them to lose and lose with dignity and all that did was develop a fire inside to compete and win. There were a few times that my son had the opportunity to tie a game. His response to me was "dad, I'd rather lose than tie, at least then we have a winner" thats when I knew I taught him right. To accept a loss, try his hardest and never just participate.
It's funny how we weren't raised with kid gloves yet some of our generation thinks that we need to raise our kids this way.
People get mad over every little thing nowadays and there are more petitions going around than birthday cards. I'm all for standing up for what you believe in but we need to take a step back, look around and enjoy this life. It's short. It's beautiful.
I'm not perfect. Things bother me but I'm trying to let that go and focus on what matters.

I almost didn't name the blog "grab the hose and take a drink" because I was pretty sure, being that its 2017, that someone would take it the wrong way and twist what the "hose" references. But then I remembered that I don't care and this is what it should be called. We need a little more 1984 and a little less 2017.

Now go outside, grab the hose and take a drink!

Turk