Divorce

Divorce. Say it out loud. Divorce. It's just not a good sounding word is it. You're brought up to think it's the worst of the worst. But is it? Nowadays it's more common than we'd all like but is it evil? I've actually been on both ends of divorce. My parents got divorced when I was young. It sucked. Except for the part where I was spoiled on weekend visits to my moms. (Insert evil laugh here). My parents were always civil to each other so I always thought that's the way it was. Felt like I grew up pretty normal. Many years later I was asked by a friend of my aunts if I would come to the University to speak to his class about divorce! Ummmm huh? Who? Me? I don't really speak in front of large rooms of people. (Insert nervous scared laugh here). He told me it was a smaller class and it was more of a Q&A session. He also promised me pizza after and because I had just turned 18 he offered to buy me a beer. Well clearly my answer was yes! 

One of my first statements to the class was " I'm not sure what you're looking for in regards to information but I had a good divorce experience. My parents got along" well it turns out that this is what they wanted to hear because in the past all they ever heard was the bad outcomes. I can't remember how long we spoke but I do remember them thanking me for being open and upfront about my experiences. 

Like most kids I vowed that I would never get divorced and make my kids deal with what I had to. (Insert slap upside the head here). 

A few years later my girlfriend and I got married. It was a good 6 months and then we hit a bump. Well, a large bump. We battled through it and ended up being married for 13 1/2 years and 4 amazing kids. But the day came when we neeeed to stop fooling ourselves and separate. This was not a good day. I took it hard. My oldest two kids took it hard. I've always wanted to be there for my kids and now I felt I wouldn't be able too. I told my wife we could work it out. Nope. She was done. She told me I was too. I was in love with the idea of being in love but at the end of the day I wasn't in love with her. 

Well, remember that slap upside the head I was supposed to give myself a few years back? Here it comes!! SLAP!!! Just because I didn't want to get divorced doesn't mean that's enough to make it work! 

Dumbass. 

Divorce sucks. For a minute. Once the dust settles and it's actually the right thing it's not so bad. Don't get me wrong, it lasts a bit longer than a minute. You get sad. Mad. Angry. Say dumb things. It's all part of the healing process. Yeah! That's it, healing process! 

My journey to where I am now was followed by all those emotions and more. I actually never used a lawyer for my divorce and we basically walked away with the understanding that we have four children whom we both loved and adored and we would support them in whatever manner we needed to for the rest of their lives. No alimony. No child support mandated by courts. Just our promise to our kids. 

Sounds simple doesn't it? Guess what? IT IS!! It's really that simple. We are not petty, jealous or bitter. We are actually better friends than we ever were husband and wife. Since the divorce to now, at times there has been upwards of 800kms of distance between us. To complicate that we each had two kids full time. We always made the effort to see the kids and to make sure our kids spent as much time together as they could. We would drive half the distance each when kids came visiting either her or I. 

Recently we've moved closer together again and I believe it's been about 9 years now and our family is amazing. I am remarried to an amazing woman who inspires me to be a better me everyday. She gets along with my ex and vice versa. My ex has an amazing man in her life who has been an amazing step dad to all of my kids and he and I get along great. We go to our kids events as a family. We eat together. We celebrate together and well, really we "life" together. 

I've had kids work for me in the past that dreaded events like graduation, university, weddings, because their parents couldn't stand to be in the same room together. To say that pisses me off is an understatement. If the two of you can't put your petty differences aside for your children then who exactly is the child??? I don't care what happened to cause your divorce. Absolutely nothing is greater than your children. Nothing. 

I was reminded of all of this this past weekend when my ex and I spoke about our twins upcoming 14th birthday. (I feel old when I write that). She mentioned that they were with friends all day but we were more than welcome to drive in to the city to meet them all for supper. Well that was an easy yes!! My ex's hubby's brother and sister in law were joining as well. Sweet! The more the merrier. I sat at the end of the table and looked at all the smiles. The laughter. And I looked at my "family". All of them. I'm proud of us. I'm proud of me. My wife. My ex wife. Her husband. I'm proud of how we handle ourselves. How we raise our kids and how happy all four of our kids are. 

My oldest sent me a song the other day and said "dad, you'll love this song" it's called "when you love someone" it's a song about divorce. But it's one we should all sing to our kids in the event of a divorce. Here's part of the song:

It don't make sense, but nevertheless
You gotta believe us, it's all for the best
It don't make sense
The way things go
Son you should know

Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love
Sometimes two homes are better than one
Some things you can't tell your sister 'cause she's still too young
Yeah you'll understand
When you love someone

It's true. Sometimes two homes are better than one. Sometimes two moms and two dads are better than one (especially when daughters start dating) 

We have great children who make our job easy and I think our relationships have helped them be the people they are. I'm proud of us. I'm grateful and blessed for the family that I have. 

I hope we inspire others to look past the hurt and continue to love and support your children unconditionally. Those kids, whether you're divorced or not are your legacy. That's how I want to be remembered anyways. 

You don't need to love one another but you do need to love those kids. And part of that is showing respect to your ex. Teach your kids how to carry themselves no matter what gets thrown at them! 

When the day is over and the kids are tucked away in bed, sit back, relax, Grab the Hose and Take a Drink! 

This picture, although isn't us, is a perfect example of who we are! 

Afraid to fail

I've always been afraid to fail. 

For years I would avoid doing things so that I wouldn't fail them. Let me tell you how that worked out for me. 

It didn't. I would avoid homework, not because I didn't want to do it but because I didn't want to be wrong. Don't get me wrong, the classroom is not a place for me. I don't sit still well, I don't concentrate well. Have you ever looked out your window? The world is a beautiful place and that's where I'd rather be. Always have. Always will. More on me later. 

What brought me to write this one was my daughter. Well, one of them anyways. She almost forgot to wish her step mom and happy birthday this week and it's because she said she had too much on her mind. Ummm you're 14, how much can you actually have in your mind. 

So I asked and her response was "just thinking about school and worried about how well I'll do"

My answer was quick and simple "you'll do your best and that's all you can do" 

I elaborated a bit more and she said "thanks dad that really helps"

It got me to thinking about when I was that age and how I always compared myself to everyone. Didn't matter if they were smarter, better dressed, better looking, jobs, money, everything. 

It took me a long time to realize that I can't be everyone. Everyone can't be me. I'm a diamond in the rough! No really my mom told me I am!

Thanks to a celebrity that I admire, a lot, (Dwayne "the rock" Johnson) I've accepted that I'm not the best at everything. But I will outwork you. He always says, be the hardest worker in the room. He doesn't expect anyone to have the same workout regimen or even work ethic. You don't have to mirror what he does but whatever you do, do it at your best. Outwork your competition. Whatever your results , they're yours and you can leave knowing you left it all out there. In the classroom, sports, work, marriage whatever! 

I'm not the best dad, or husband or friend. I'm sure there's better ones out there. Maybe. What defines better? I don't live with all my kids and try to make it to everything I can. I can't bankroll their lives although they do try! As a husband I've learnt to be more conscious of my wife's needs and wants. Only took me twice to learn that. As a friend I'm here for ya. I do what I can with what I have and I'm surrounded by some pretty awesome people. 

List three successes you've had. I did this with a friend today and she came up with two. I came up with easily three more. It's all in how you look at it. Ever set a personal best in the gym? Success. How many championship games have you lost? Win any? Success. If you fall 7 times get up 8! You've heard it before but it's true. If you fall and don't get up you fail. If you fall and get up then you've succeeded. You didn't let failing stop you. Failing sucks. It's crushing. Probably why they don't call it winning. But if you use that crushing feeling as fuel or motivation and keep going back for more until you win then that's success. 

I know a lot of people that didn't graduate high school. Didn't go to college. They're some of the most successful people I know because they've had to work for everything they have. They hustle. They grind. They outwork their competition. Don't get me wrong. You should finish school. Even college it make sure you don't go for the sake of going and then get stuck with a degree you'll never use! 

I'm sitting in one of my favourite places right now. The Rocky Mountains of Canada. I love it here. I made it here. 

I've wanted to be here my entire life but life kept throwing curveballs and fastballs at me. Even spitballs. (Didn't hit any of those) I hit some of them. I struck out more often then not. But I'm here. I didn't quit. I set a goal and I achieved that goal. I have a great job thanks to past experiences. I believed I was the best person for that job and I got it. My wife believed in me and supported our move here. I worked my ass off to get here. I don't know how long it will last but I'll enjoy every second I'm here.

It's funny when I say I think I'm the best at what I do. I lost a business I owned and went bankrupt. I still think I'm the best at what I do. Partially from failing. Partially from succeeding. It took both to make me who I am. 

One of my favourite quotes from The GOAT:

 "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." 

-- Michael Jordan

Man I love this quote. He's the greatest of all time and he's failed so many times!! 

Now I know my daughter is reading this and I have a simple message for you baby girl. Do the work. Simple right? 

I don't expect you to be on the honour roll. You don't have to have the best marks or be the best gymnast. All I ask is that you do your best. You put in every effort you can and never, ever be afraid to ask for help when you need it. If you do that I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with all your successes. You be the best version of you, the artist, the singer, the friend, the daughter and that's what we'll measure your success on. Not marks. Not a bank account. Not by how many possessions you have! 

That's a simple message for anyone reading this. Go out there and be the best version of you. In the end that's all we can be! 

Time to head home to the backyard, Grab the Hose and Take a Drink! 

Who am I?

Well. It’s been a while. I’m busy trying to fine tune my writing and how I get my point across. I’m trying to not only be interesting but also answer questions you may have as you read. But I feel like I need to write a little something just to keep my mojo going so to speak. 

My whole life I've questioned who I want to be. I’ve questioned who I am as a man, a husband, a father and my profession. 

I’ve certainly failed in those areas. Every one of them. I’ve made many mistakes as a man, luckily enough there’s been forgiveness. As a husband, well I’m married for the second time. I’m doing much better this time around. As a father, well it’s been a ride and I’m far from perfect but I have 4 wonderful children who I’m extremely proud of. As a profession, that’s been the longest road. I’ve tried more things than I care to list because it would be longer than Santa’s naughty or nice list. The one thing I seem to keep going back to is managing stores. Mostly clothing, ran my own restaurant for a while and now I’ve landed managing candy stores. Not gonna lie, it’s a lot of fun. I think I take the most pride in my staff. Developing them, supporting them, watching and helping them grow. 

At the end of the day I still feel like there’s something missing. My lifelong dream has always been to be a firefighter. I hear sirens down the street and the hair on my neck stands up every time. It’s not a hero thing either. I’d rather not have to do anything EMS wise, I just want to fly down the street in the fire truck and throw a ton of water on the fire and put it out. Save a building or someone’s home. 

My grandpa was a volunteer firefighter. So was my dad. Clearly it was in my blood. 

Now I guess you’re asking why did I never take the plunge. Well I had the application form filled out once. For a volunteer firefighter. Part of it was my first wife didn’t really want me to do it. Full time that is. Being a dad with a young family she was worried about my safety and I understand that and don’t hold that against her. Part of it was confidence. I never used to have much of that. 

Do I regret never sending in that application. No. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still wish I did once upon a time. 

I’m 45. In my eyes that’s too late to start the firefighter dream. But I’ll never stop dreaming. 

The one thing I’ve been “gifted” with is my ability to talk. Sometimes my way out of trouble but mostly just talking to people. It’s a huge part of my job to my customers and my staff. My bosses don’t always understand but my proof is my relationship with my customers and staff and that’s all the validation I need. 

With all of my experiences in my past and present I think that’s what’s turned me on to inspirational speaking. Hopefully it takes me somewhere. Hopefully I can make a difference in someone’s life and inspire them to grab their dream before they’re 45! 

For now I’m gonna grab the hose and take a drink! 

In this photo kneeling is my dad and second from the right is my grandpa serving on the Altona fire dept together. 

We all have our "moment"

I'm not a celebrity with a famous quote. I am however a man with a story. Part of my story I can share. The other will have to wait for a time when I'm speaking publicly. Talking to people and listening to music. Two things I love. Two things I couldn't do back in middle school. I failed classes because I couldn't talk in front of the class of my friends about what a song meant. Weird. There was a moment in my life when I realized that it didn't really matter what others thought and started to open up a little and lose the "stage fright"

 For now I want to tell you about my friend. Her name is "Mary". One day I hope she joins me in one of my speaking engagements and shares her amazing story with you. She's beautiful and one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Our meeting was one of coincidence however I feel like the right people will always find their way to you.

We had a talk one day as I was telling her about my breakthrough moment and  she told me that I could share her story or her "moment" if you will. 

Mary was a young woman with her entire life ahead of her. At 19 years of age she attended a party and while she was there the weather took a turn for the worse. A person she knew had mentioned that she could stay in his bed so she didn't have to travel in poor weather. Later that night she heard someone enter the room. It was the person that said she could stay over. He approached her and said these words "if you tell anyone I'll kill you" He then violently raped her. 

Hard words for me to hear. I'm a dad to daughters. I'm a husband and my entire life have treated women like they deserve to be treated. I have zero tolerance for people who would do such a thing. 

For years Mary kept that night to herself. Slowly it ate away at her being. We all have a tipping point. A rock bottom. Mary hit hers 6 years later. Things she found fun and enjoyed to the fullest suddenly disappeared. It gets very dark at times and thoughts echo around in your head and you have to make the choice to listen to those thoughts or reach out. Mary thankfully reached out and started to get counselling, moved away and started to learn to be grateful for her life. 

Three years from that point Mary finally told her family. Her friends. People that had been through the same situation as she had. 

This was a girl that could never get up in a room full of people she knew and talk. But after everything she had been through how bad could it be. And now by standing up, talking about her story she was able to show others that they aren't alone. To hear one person say, you and I, we have some things in common. I understand. You matter and I'm here for you. 

Ten years later and you should see her. She has a job where she helps people everyday. She surrounds herself with beautiful people and I'm Damn proud to call her my friend. 

My breakthrough moment isn't as extreme as Mary's but like I've said, we all have our story. We all have our hell. To hear others peoples stories and how they overcame it is inspiring. There's so many different paths we can take in life. So many excuses we can make. Or we can stand up, look hell in the face and say "NOT TODAY"

People like Mary inspire me to share my story. To show you that you aren't alone. You matter. Let's talk. I am who I am. I'm where I'm at in my life because of the people I surround myself with. I'm not a motivational speaker. I want to inspire you to share your story. I want to know your breakthrough moment and if you haven't found it yet then let's find it. Its in there. Greatness is in everyone. Some people win medals. Some win awards. Some wake up in the morning and face the day head on. Greatness isn't measured by one thing. Who we are and how we handle our hell is what defines us. How we treat other people defines us. Money, cars, jobs don't define us. I have my family. I have my people. I grow everyday thanks to all of them. 

Take a step back and look at your hell. Find a way out. Ask for help. Remember that you're not the only person to ever go through this. There's more people out there then you know that can relate. 

My boy Rocky Balboa said it best 

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!

Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

This quote means the world to me and my wife because we've lived it. Life has hit me many many times. Sometimes I get right back up. Other times my people need to help me up. But I'm up. I never stayed down. For years I've been labelled as "cocky". Blows me away how a guy who's been knocked down so many times can be labelled as cocky. I've never won much in my life. Don't have a fancy job. For years I couldn't make sense of it. Then one day in talking with my wife I looked at her and said "I'm not cocky I'm confident and my confidence comes from surviving". That's my quote. I survived my hell and that has brought a level of confidence to me. It's taken years of work, a good support system and some tears along the way. 

Thanks for reading, I look forward to meeting you in the future and hearing your moment. 

In the mean time, let's go back to a simpler time, head to the back yard and 

Grab the hose and take a drink!

Suicide is painless...

Suicide is painless...is actually the theme song from my all time favourite show. M*A*S*H*.
Suicide....its been on my mind a lot lately. I'm a huge fan of Linkin Park. Absolutely love Chester Benningtons voice. His lyrics have carried me through shit that I hope no one ever has to go through.  The talent he had to yell and make it sound good, to singing an Adele song, jamming with Jay Z just showed the talent he really had.
I hate a lot of what I've  read lately. "Chester was crying for someone to listen to him" "Chesters album screams help me". No it doesn't. Chester was very outspoken about his past abuse, struggles, and said how much of his music was his story and how singing helped him deal with everything.

Suicide is a dark dark place. In the past, people I have known of have taken this turn. Felt like whatever was wrong couldn't be fixed. Young, future ahead of them, married, children and yet there was this darkness they couldn't get away from. I have, in the past, called the act of suicide selfish. I don't feel that's correct. Yes, it leaves a lot of pain and suffering behind for all those that have loved them. It wasn't until the absolute shock of Chester, a man I don't know personally, took his life that it hit me that it's not fair to label that an act of selfishness. Standing outside the glass house and looking in Chester had it all. Successful career. Talent out the whazoo (yes I wrote whazoo) a beautiful loving wife and 6 children. Band mates and friends that loved him far and wide. He had it all. Or did he? There were demons. Demons that he shared with us. His best friend and father to his God son battled his own demons and a few months ago took his life. Chester sang at his funeral. On their new album, Linkin Park has a song called "One more light". He sang it for Chris Cornell recently and when you sit and listen to the lyrics it's eerie how much it was written for Chris and yet it wasn't. It was written well before the tragedy and now we sing it remembering Chester.
When you have your own demons to battle and you lose one of your closest friends, no matter who is around you, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. With the arrival of Chris' Birthday maybe it was too much for Chester to fathom. He was quoted in saying "I can't imagine a world without you".

If you've ever suffered pain. A heartbreak. It's hard to ever think that it will get better. And even with the best support system around you (I've had one of the best) something inside you shuts off and there seems to be only one option. Maybe if it was 10 months till Chris' birthday, maybe Chester would have had enough time to come to terms with it all and maybe not turn out the light. Maybe that wasn't it at all. I mean, what the hell do I know. What I do know is that I'll miss Chester. I'll miss his talent. His music. His life in his lyrics.
When Michael Jackson, Prince, and other musicians left this earth I mourned the loss of their music. I often wondered why? Why do you miss someone you didn't know. I saw a quote not long ago. It said "We don't mourn musicians because we knew them, we mourn them because they helped us know ourselves." That rang loud and clear to me. Chester helped me know who I was. Through his music. Their newest album shakes me to the core. I'm almost addicted to listening to it. (Ask my wife I'm sure she'd tell you that same thing). Strangely enough, the more I listen to it, the more I'm dealing with the loss of Chester.

I hate suicide. I hate that people feel that's their only option. And I hate that I can't fix it. I want to be the guy who prevents suicide. I want people to know that I care. That I've been through my own hell and I'm still here. I want them to know they're not alone. I want them to know that they matter. To someone. Somewhere. YOU MATTER. YOUR PRESENCE ON THIS EARTH IS FOR A REASON. I know it's hard to reach out. Trust me when I say I know. I've been through hell. My own hell. I know people who's hell has been worse than mine. I know people who's hell has been less than mine. In the end, hell is hell. I've sat in my car at the side of the road bawling my eyes out. Lost. Alone. Dark. Called my absolute best friend in this world and he was at a loss. He didn't know how to help me. Well, actually he did. Although he felt like there was nothing he could do he pointed me in the direction of one man. A man of no judgement. A man of God. A man named Tim.  Those who know me know that I wouldn't choose that path first thing. But what did I have to lose. In my mind I had lost it all. So why not. I sat down with Tim and he asked me "How are you doing?"  "I've had better days" was my response. He asked me to tell him about it so I did. He listened. Spoke a little and then thanked me for sharing and if I'd care to talk again some day. I agreed and went on with my day. I was somewhat blown away by the fact that this man of God didn't bring up the subject of God, church, nothing!?!? Weird.
Tim and I met a few more times and it led to both of us talking and both of us listening. It felt good to say things out loud but you know, my heart still ached every day. I couldn't shake the pain. I mentioned that to Tim one day and as we were sitting there in his office he looked at me and asked me if I was ready to accept God into my life. Weeeellllll there it is!!! He finally brought it up. I avoided the question but I kept talking and sharing my pain. Tim asked me again. And I looked at him. Somewhat confused. Because I didn't know. What does that mean?? Do I have to change who I am now?? We talked a little more and then one more time Tim asked me "Do you want to accept God into your life"  and after all the precious silence and confusion I said "yes" So Tim asked me to pray with him and Tim prayed to God. To help me. Heal me. Ease my pain. And after a short prayer BOOM!!!! All done. Ok there was no BOOM but it was short and sweet and I didn't feel any better. Great! That didn't work! Then he looked at me and said it won't fix today but keep talking and praying to God. He's listening. He said you don't have to change who you are, you are a good man, a good person and no one wants you to change. I told Tim that I wasn't about to start attending church every Sunday now. What he said right after has stuck with me ever since then. Although he said he'd love to have me, I don't need to be in a building to have a relationship with God. He is wherever I am. And trust me, I feel closer to God outside of church than I do inside of church. There's a saying " I'd rather be in the mountains thinking about God than in Church thinking about the mountains". And it's so true.

My story, thanks for reading this long winded post by the way, is not that of accepting God into your life fixes everything. My story is about Tim. I reached out and someone grabbed my hand and helped. He never pushed religion on me. He never pushed me to do anything. He listened. He didn't judge me. He helped me. And he is a man, a man of God, that has gone through his own hell. But he was here for me. He is the reason I'm here today and not a distant memory. I love that man. He changed my life. And, that best  friend that told me he couldn't help me. He was wrong. He helped me in finding the man that saved me.

I want to save everyone. I want people to know they matter. I don't need to know you to know that you matter. Someone out there needs you in their life.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you I don't have bad days. I do. But not very often. Sometimes I still let the little things get to me. But my support system is as strong as ever. If you feel like yours isn't them add me to it. Let's start building it up. This world needs you.

Chester, I'll miss you. But your voice will live on through me. I'll never stop playing your music. To Linkin Park, I'm sorry for your loss. I know it hurts. I'm glad your fans have shown you the love.

If you need to talk to someone. Reach out. Click on the link at the bottom of this post. It will lead you to some options. If, at some point in my life I can prevent someone from ending there's it will be in memory of Chester Bennington. I wish you knew what you meant to me. I wish I could have saved you.


Remember when life gets crazy, Grab the hose and take a drink!





http://chester.linkinpark.com/

Failure

Failure.....such a scary word isn't it? Is it?
Our entire lives we are taught to not fail. Failing is bad. I think being afraid to fail put more pressure on me that I was almost sure to fail.
Man have I failed. Well, "failed" to me, now, many years later, I don't see it as failures. I see it as lessons. I know I know, right about now you're rolling your eyes saying " ya ya I've heard that 100 times" I'm sure you have but seriously, I've made many errors in my 44 years. But what I've learnt from those errors has helped make me the man I am today. I left home at 17. School and I were not best friends. Marriage, well, didn't get that right the first time. Bought a business, that blew up in my face. Judged people. I have no right to judge anyone.
Between all of that and some poor personal choices it's been a long 44 years but my kids are amazing, I have a great job that I've worked my butt off to be qualified for. I live in my dream location and I'm married to the love of my life.

All the jobs I've had, struggled with rules and their way of doing things led me to build my style of management and has paid off in spades. I kept the dream alive of where I wanted to live and I can proudly say with the support of my wife and my family that I made it and I live in the mountains. Finally. As bad as my first marriage turned out, it's made me a better person and a better husband now the second time and against all odds my wife and I make the best team ever.

I could jump deeper into all the failures in my life but I don't want you to have to spend 2 days reading one blog. When I look back at it all, the choices I made, the dumb shit that came out of my mouth and the odds I overcame I can honestly say there isn't much I'd change. I am who I am because of my past. The good. The bad. The ugly.
Just because one road you take is bumpy or a dead end. Or a U turn. That doesn't mean you stop. Look on a map, look at all the roads and all the different ways to make it to hour destination. Your life is a map. Find your road and never ever stop until you reach your destination. Surround yourself with good people. Lean on them when you need to. You can't do it alone. Your support system is important. I wouldn't have made it without mine. Too big a list to mention but they know exactly who they are.

Keep your eyes on the road, don't let failure stop you and when life gets crazy, remember,
 Grab the hose and take a drink!

Turk